I think I Am the PROBLEM….

Have you ever been told you have a bad attitude or just something that you couldn’t agree with? Such as being inconsiderate or obnoxious or even passive. Sometimes, if you are told something multiple times, by different people it may actually be true.

This is a post for people like myself, to look deep inside and figure out if we actually do have to change our ways. I read a post on Facebook the other day and it said “That’s just how I am, No it’s a character flaw.” My flaws can actually be holding me back from gaining meaningful relationships. Your attitude is what people see the most and it will keep people away if it’s a bad one,

Everyone has flaws, that is a given but a few of them can be changed. So maybe I do have a bad attitude sometimes. I am usually very kind and laugh about everything. I do tend to automatically not like someone for something small and I know that I do this a lot. It’s one thing knowing but it’s a another thing of acting to fix the issue. I try hard not to dislike people but little things throw me off. With that, I tend to be a standoffish to that person. I can be sarcastic to some and it can be taken the wrong way. I also think I complain to much, that is something that annoys me if someone else does it but I do it as well.

For an example on my attitude: There is a guy that I work with and the beginning days of meeting him it was ok. I found that he liked to tell jokes a lot, when I mean a lot it’s as if it’s his only way of communicating. So I was told he said a few things about me that I didn’t care for. I automatically put up a wall. Now, everything I say to him is sarcastic and mostly jokes back at him. I was told he and another guy thought I had a bad attitude but it’s more of protecting myself and not letting him any closer to me. I could just confront him as an adult but I rather just ignore It and let it go. Which is not good, it’s another one of my flaws!

I honestly think, how can I change my ways. I don’t want people to think I have a bad attitude or I complain to much. Nor do I want to cut people off to early and miss out on a possible good relationship. Some times my gut, tells me do not waste time on a person and I am right. Other times I kick myself because the person is actually really cool.

IMG_1671So instead of being rude or having a bad attitude, I am going to give more people a chance. I will see where that leads me. My attitude can be fixed because I know what triggers it. I have a billion other flaws but this is one I would like to fix. Complaining could be an easy fix as well. I just have to let life take its course. I’ll follow this quote by Maya Angelou for now on.


I am tired of being an introvert…

I can say that now but I love my peace and quiet. Alone time is much needed, I can not do people for to long. I will become antsy and frustrated. That will then make me go into my own world and block out people and noise.

Back to being tired of introversion, I feel as if I could be more extroverted. Communicating more with people that I do not know and building lasting relationships. I am always in the background and would rather not be in the spotlight. That would be fine in certain professions but with the military, it is hard to do. Here, you want to be in the spot light because they will see you as a leader and that will result in awards or leardership positions. How can I possibly do that when I am an introvert? Yes I know what it takes to be a leader and I know a lot about my job but I am comfortable in the background. I don’t want to be anymore, there is a lot I have to offer.

I have a hard time meeting new people and building relationships. This is me: A new person comes and I automatically act as if they are not there. I will probably smile or say hello but that will be it. Starting up a conversation would take a lot out of me. Small talk is torture to me, mainly because I never know what to talk about,  after we talk about the basics. How is your day? Or where are you from? After those I am completely stomped, so I fear the awkward silence that will come. So, I rather just stay to myself, so no awkwardness will arise.

I am an over thinker. A lot of what if’s come into my mind when it comes to people. I am also someone who feeds off of energy. There are people who I automatically connect with and there are others who I can never see myself talking to. I know that could be bad for me because I may miss out on getting to know an awesome person. I’ve missed a lot of those interactions because of my over thinking.

Once you get to know me I am very loud and outgoing but that is only with people I feel comfortable with. A person that dont know me would probably think I am anti social or I don’t talk. Those statements are the worse to say to me. It gets under my skin because I know I am not. I choose to talk when it’s needed and I honestly love being by myself. I am a talker when need to be but I observe more then I talk. It is a gift and a curse. I am aware of my surrounds at all times because I observe but I am constantly pushed out of conversations or forgotton because I don’t speak as much.

If I could be maybe 10% extroverted I would be happy. I would be able to communicate better and see a future in my career. I’ve tried a lot of things to come out of my shell but it seems like this is going to be me forever. I don’t want it to be because I am an adult now. I have a lot to share but I allow myself to fade into the background. To advance in my career and make lasting relationships, I know a few things have to change. 

Am I the only like this? Any suggestions?


My fitness journey!

I usually have a new goal, almost every 3 days or so. Most of them I do not stick to and some, I actually go the distance. Weight lifting is turning out to be one of those goals, that I can see myself going the distance with.

Just a bit about my current fitness level. I am on a get fit journey. Working out is the easy part. Finding the right food to eat while deployed is very hard. Our food is limited, so I make due with what is served. Currently, I am about 136lbs and I am 5’1. I am loosing a few lbs here and there but I’ll like to tone up more.

I have family members who are dealing with health issues that, I know could be contributed to poor dieting and lack of working out. If I can prevent that I will at least try to. Another reason, I am committed to my journey is because I am in the military. It is possible to be unfit in the military but it is frowned upon. I want to be able to max my push ups or run 2 miles in 15:00 minutes and still have energy. I pass all of my fitness test but there is always something inside that says, you can do better. Lastly, I want to feel great about my overall health and fitness. My body deserves to be taken care of and I want to commit to that.

I am trying new things when it comes to working out. Cardio was my go to when it came to my work outs. I would run distance or do sprints but I never went to the weights. The treadmill called my name and the weights section just stared at me and would say “Don’t even think about it”. I guess that was mostly in my head but I was honesty afraid to tackle weights. Mainly, I did not know much about different weights or how to use it them in my excercise. Dumbells, I could get away with and I usually chose a weight that was very low. I was self conscious when I went into the gym, so treadmill or a simple glute or thigh machine would work for me.

Now, my confidence is peaking some and I am falling in love with lifting heavy weights. I am just a beginner but I like to set goals and see myself accomplish it. It makes me feel good when I can lift certain weights. I also love how it tones your body. I didn’t appreciate my abs just 5 years ago but I will when they finally come back.

Bench press: I’ve always was told I had muscular arms but I’ve never thought that maybe I should try lifting. That would make them bigger and more people would make jokes about it, so I turned that idea down. That was in the past, everything has changed. Without ever lifting heavy weights, my upper body is stronger then my lower. I currently bench press and I love it. I started with just the bar and I was shaking like a feather. My first time was around April of this year. I swore that was it because I couldn’t even do the bar. The bar is about 45lbs, but I didn’t quit,  I kept going. For the past two months, I’ve been working on lifting more and breaking my own personal goals. Currently I can lift around 110lbs and I plan to do more. I focus on that weight and when I feel ready I go up a few lbs.

Barbell Squats: When I squat, I’m always thinking about my form. I’ve seen many videos on how to squat properly so I won’t injure myself. I’ve come a long way with these as well. The military has shown me that, you have to be able to lift certain weight. I am expected to be able to lift and carry a grown man with his gear to safety. In my mind, I want to accomplish that task if it ever comes into play. Squatting is allowing me to see that it is possible. I started again with just the bar and I worked myself up to 154lbs.

The last few months, I’ve grown to love heavy lifting. No, I am no where near most of the females, I admire on instagram but you have to start somewhere. It is awesome to see females lift heavy. I would like to tone my body and have what I call Angela Bassett arms.  Seeing so may females lift heavy has allowed me to realize, that it’s not just for men but for females just like me. Eventually, I would like to try more excercises like deadlifts but I want to get the form down first. I am happy with my progress. I plan on continuing and see my body transform in a beautiful way.








I’m natural and I’m never going back….again!

I started my natural hair journey in June 2010 and I continued down the natural path until June 2015. In 2015, I put a perm in my hair so that I could make it through basic training without having to struggle with my natural hair. It was manageable but let’s just say the perm didn’t take all the way, so my hair looked crazy for 3 months. During, the first 5 years natural (it seems like such a long time) I put heat toward it. I also did not do everything I could to have healthy growth. 

I then went on to training for 2 more months and then overseas  for a year. So around that time I decided to grow my hair back again. I did everything wrong, while I transistioned. I used heat, I barley detangled my hair and I wore so much gel it could be used as a helmet. In November 2016, I said enough and did the big chop, so I had maybe 15 months of new growth but I cut more then I should on some parts and my front was a bit damaged from the heat, so I cut even more.

Again, I started off bad again. I have to wear my hair in a bun for the most part, so that’s how I kept it from November 2016 until a few months ago. From the buns pulling my edges out, I also got braids and that didn’t help any. I did deep condition and use the right products but I had to go and repair once again.

So here I am presently, restarting my journey the right way. I have a regimen that I follow and it seems to be working wonderfully. I am happy with the growth and it’s only been a few months. I know the length my hair is capable of and with a healthy regimen, I will surpass that length.

I will not go back to perms because I regretted it a great deal. If I want it straight I know how to do so and there is no chemicals involved. I know just wear in 4 braids with my natural hair.

Here is a few pictures of my hair over the years. The first 3 are from my first big chop. The cover photo and the last is my hair currently. As you can see my hair stayed shoulder length because of the heat and being sisscor happy!

How to be successful in life: 3 things you must do.

This will probably be me rambling on but in my mind and experience, I believe I figured it out. There are probably better words to choose from in order to be successful but I am going to choose three that are relevant to me.

I have read so many articles or watched a lot of those inspirational videos on Youtube and I understood what each one was conveying but I was never able to use it in my daily life. As far as I could remember, I would wonder why my peers were always more successful then me. Why was it so easy for them to do so much and surpass me every time. I would study but there was always someone to receive a better grade. I practiced my music but of course the next person could play better. The one that is clawing at me today is promotions in the work place. I do everything right, so why am I still in the current position? Let’s add the gym as well. Sure I go and on most days I eat very healthy but I see no results.

I had an Aahaa moment and it was not like I didn’t know how to be successful. I knew it because I was taught it by a plethora of people but it just never kicked in. I only kicked myself when I started watching others achieve all that I dreamed. To understand, I had to put it in my own words and write it down.

So you ask what are the ways to be successful? Like anything in life, it will require a lot of hard work. For me it will be very hard in the beginning but I think I can manage.

First you will need to be Consistent: I have set probably 100 goals, in just this pass year for myself. My goals consisted of: going to the gym every day and becoming toned, get a promotion, learn Spanish, save thousands and earn my bachelors degree. None of those goals are so far left that they are unattainable, so why haven’t I accomplished any of them. I would create the goal and maybe a week or a month later I would loose focus. I would stop being consistent and I would tell myself, I’ll do it tomorrow or I’ll restart next month. Instead of sticking to it, I stopped. If I thought about it, I would have been toned by now if I kept to it in January. My promotion would have happened, if I stuck to my goals and I would have saved more money, if I didn’t buy that gift or hair products. It’s all about staying consistent and sticking to your goals. Never create a goal that is unattainable. Saving thousands is attainable, if you stop purchasing things that are not needed. I do save more then I spend now. Out of all of my goals, this is the one that will be reached. It took me longer then expected but I’ve kept to it. If I would have been a little more consistent, I would have surpassed my goal.


Second you will need to be Determined: Do you really want to achieve your goal or is it something someone else wants you to do ? Or are you just setting unrealistic goals? If you say yes to those, then you may have a hard time. You have to be determined to reach your goal. I’ve learned if you half (butt) your work then you will not see any results.  There is no reason to keep going if you won’t give it 100%. The saying go hard or go home is very relevant when it comes to being successful. The gym members you see with the bulging muscles or the flat abs, did not gain those muscles just by saying I’ll go for a week and then 2 weeks I’ll take a break and maybe I’ll just start again next month. This is what I do, I’ll lift weights and then I’ll do the right number of sets and sometimes I’ll lower the weights to make it easier. It doesn’t work that way, if I want to have muscles, you have to put all of your energy towards it, even if it sucks for 30 seconds. I can guess that, all of gym members, set a goal for themselves and said no matter what I will accomplish this goal. Say it’s work related, and you drip it in your head, I will get promoted this month! I will work harder and no matter the long nights it will happen. If your determined to win or determined to reach your goals it will happen. This is something that you need to be successful. You can not win if you give up every time.

Lastly you you will need to be Confident: I wonder if I am the only person that struggles with this. Every successful person had some sort of confidence, when their goals were met. Let’s face it, in the world today if you are not confident,in your everyday actions, people will focus on someone else who is confident. You can be the smartest person, but if your confidence is lacking it will be hard to move forward. My promotion, calls for a confident person, who could lead others and get the mission done. Yes, I know what I must do but my confidence is weak at times. I can be a very passive person and that to people means I am not confident in what I do. Out of these 3 tips, this is my hardest one to achieve. Standing up in front and allowing others to see me and possibly judge me, I rather hide in the back. I know that I can’t do this, so I have to just shut down everything else and not care what others think. We are here to make mistakes and with those mistakes you will gain confidence.

All three of these steps go hand in hand. Once you have your goals set and you continue to follow your steps, each step will be followed with determination to succeed and confindence will come naturally. I believe when you know something very well, you will do better, not only on that goal but personally. For example, I am working hard in the gym and I start to see muscles that I never had before. Not only, will I feel confident in my work out abilities but in myself as well. I know that if I had a flat stomach with abs, I would be happier when it came time to choose a bathing suit. I also know that, when I reach my goals at my job and learn as much as possible, I will feel more confident leading and standing in the front.

Maybe, these steps won’t work for you but in my eyes they are very important. They are based on my experience and I will continue to follow.

Can you see the beauty in it?

Can you see the beauty in it?

I know I can. I can see that person who may have been looked down upon or pushed away. I see the beauty in them regardless of what others think. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I would have to agree. Is appearance everything or is what’s inside the most important?

I can see the beauty in the earth, the flowers that surround me and the beautiful vista that I am lucky enough to encounter. I beat myself up because I want to see so much but I know I need to find the time. What if I miss my opportunity to see all that the world has to offer!

I see the beauty in it because it’s in me. I am finding my true calling and I can’t ignore the beauty in the world. The many cultures and countries that I would enjoy seeing. The beauty to me is having a open heart and accepting all that life has to offer. Travel the world and have no regrets!

Photos that I took in South Korea. A very beautiful country with amazing people as well.


You never truly know a person…

Until you actually talk to them. When you get to know a person and not just their outer selves, they can sometimes give you a different perspective on life.

There is a girl that I am starting to know well. I can assume things based on the outside but I know there is more to her. She stays to herself most of the time but she does have a few close friends. She hides behind her smile and looks away so no one can see her imperfections. Are they imperfections or is it her true beauty? I would say it’s her beauty, her beauty that draws people to her even though she is always said to be shy, quiet, awkward or anti-social. She can’t see that though, I hope that she will someday.

You never truly know a person until you talk to them. Maybe they have a story that they want to share or maybe they don’t. There is this girl that I am starting to know so well. She has a lot of goals and could talk for days about each one. Travel the world she says, start a business or even get married one day. I look at her and her excitement draws me in and I now see her confindence. Does she know she can do all that she sets her mind to? Just as fast as she list her dreams she tears them down in the same breath. How can someone dream so big but feel as if they can accomplish nothing?

There is this girl that I am starting to know well. Wow is she smart and learns so fast.  She really knows her job so well. I am glad she knows her job so well and I can’t find any faults. She tells me it’s hard for her every day just to do her every day job. On the outside I can only see the great things that she has done. In reality it’s a struggle for her. To see other people do so well and make it seem so easy. She gets distracted by their accomplishments and forgets about her own. It seems to me it’s hard for her to take a compliment. Why is that? Can she not see all that she has done? You never truly know a person until you talk to them. Her confidence is weakened everyday by difficulties in life. I tell her that life will seem hard maybe for minutes, hours or days but it will make you stronger in the end.

You never truly know a person until you talk to them. There is this girl that I am starting to know so well. She has it all, beautiful, smart, she has a great heart and the world is hers to take. She tells me one day how she wants to travel, to be confident, to move up in her job and she tells me everything she must do. Word for word, she already knows exactly what she should do. I tell her it sounds great and I am proud of her. She pauses and ask me how, how do I do it? Confused, I can only give her a puzzled look. She tells me she knows everything to do but can never completely do it. She lets her fears come in the way of her goals. She would rather step back and allow someone else the position, so she would not be judged if she messed up. I tell her we all will make mistakes and she will grow from it. She agrees and I see the spark in her eyes again.

There is a girl that I am starting to know very well. This girl is me. Or should I say this woman is me. Everyday I look in the mirror and the negative thoughts can take over but deep down I pull myself back up. I remember the talks with my friends and family and I’m willed back to thinking good thoughts. I am not perfect and I don’t know everything but I do know if you stick to your dreams they will come true. I also know that you never truly know a person, unless you talk to them.